Reading as an outlet for time with God.

A couple of weeks ago I started reading my Bible again. It's been a long time since I read my Bible faithfully (whatever that means). I'm reading through Luke, he writes like I think.

I wouldn't say I grew up in a legalistic home or attended a legalistic church or received my education from a legalistic college. But somewhere in my life time with God became legalistic. Somewhere I developed the idea that if you are a good Christian you will spend time EVERYDAY in God's Word. And EVERYDAY when you are reading God's Word you will LIKE IT. So I started out strong in high school and college reading, praying, and even memorizing scripture ... and I enjoyed it and benefited it. But then I came to a place where if I didn't read or if I didn't get anything out of what I read I felt like a guilty pile of poo. I felt like what kind of Christian am I if I don't even enjoy spending time with God. Even though I actually was spending time with God, I was experiencing Him in creation, in relationships, in peace. But it was all through osmosis rather then willful intent, which felt like cheating.

Then in my mind I struggled with a dilemma. You should spend time in God's Word because you love Him and want a growing relationship with Him. So if I didn't spend time with Him it seemed to mean I didn't love Him. I didn't buy that but I didn't see any other way around it. Then there was the idea that it doesn't matter if you want to do it or not, you get past your feelings and get your nose in that book. Kind of like vitamins. You may not like them, but they are good for you and you should take them everyday whether you like it or not. But I feel like that whole line of thinking is what started getting me to spend less and less time reading the Bible. I knew I should, but I didn't want to. Then I thought, doesn't God want us to be real to Him as well as ourselves? So shouldn't I just wait it out and see what happens and trust that God will draw me back into His Word in His timing. I didn't know what to do, so I didn't do anything.

So by not making a decision I ended up not reading my Bible anymore. I quit doing what I new I was supposed do do because I knew I was supposed to do it. Even as I thought about it I thought what a hypocrite I am. If you are a Christian you read your Bible. If you are a Christian in a ministry career you read it even more and tell others to read it. Things remained that way for awhile and I actually was open about it with some people. I usually got a mix of responses. "I know how your feeling, thanks for being honest." "That is THE question, keep asking and working through it." "You gotta do something, you will never grow if you are growing through osmosis." "Get past your feelings and do the work." I didn't know where to go with these ... on one hand it was refreshing and freeing to know it was okay, on the other hand it was paralyzing to feel the guilty responsibility on my shoulders. So I just kept not reading.

Now I read my Bible. Not everyday, but a few time a week. And I like it, and I don't feel guilty if I don't. What changed? I dont' know, one day I felt like reading, so I did.

I'm not sure how this would transfer to anyone else. But I know God doesn't think more or less of us based on what we do for Him. We are His beloved children, therefore we are loved as we are. I desire to keep growing closer to Christ, but it's a journey that I can't force or complete by my own efforts.

Faith Roller Coaster

You know, I wish I could say I was a faith giant and that I always trust God to be in control. But right now I feel like my faith gauge is all over the place.

We are in the process transitioning from one ministry vehicle (The Navigators) to another ministry vehicle (Red Sea Church). I could go into all the reasons, but I'm not going to right now. One of the most stretching aspects of the transition is trusting that God will lead enough of our donors to follow us.

Trusting God to lead enough of our donor's to follow us is messing with me. One minute I am encouraged and confident that since God is calling us He will also provide for us. But then I get notice that one of our donors has chosen to discontinue supporting us and I feel like we're not going to make it. It's hard to not take it personally when support stops. The first insecure thoughts that come to my mind are what did I do wrong that caused you to stop. Or where did I fall short on communication. But then I wonder if God could actually be leading them to give elsewhere where there is a greater need. Then I wonder if He is only going to provide exactly what we need and we will lose the exact amount of support that will get us to that number. But the problem is that I don't know what that number is or how long it will take to get to that point. And because I'm selfish I think about how it affects me rather then what great plan God has for the money that people are giving elsewhere.

So like I said earlier ... I wish I was a faith giant so that I could be at peace. I wish my faith was so strong that I would have no doubt in God's provision. But I suppose this is one more step to get me closer to leaning totally on God. And for that I can only be thankful.

Leadership Qualities

I woke up this morning thinking about leadership qualities ... particularly the ones I am strong in and the ones I am weak in. My hope is that I can grow in the weaker ones. So here they are:

Leadership strengths:
1) Hard worker
I work hard and efficiently to get something done.
2) Reliable
I finish what I start and I do it well.
3) Problem solver
I can figure out solutions or ways to do most things.
4) Servant
I am willing to do any task that I would ask someone else to do.

Leadership weaknesses:
1) Delegation
I have a hard time asking people to do things and then trusting they will do it.
2) Confrontation
When people don't come through I have a hard time confronting them and holding them accountable.
3) Confidence
When it comes to tasks I am confident, but with people I am not.
4) Affirmation
It is hard for me to verbalize my appreciation to those that I lead.

Isaiah 13 - more destruction

God really cares about righteousness. Before Babylon was even a prominent city Isaiah prophesied it would grow to be a powerful, prideful, and sinful city. That was not acceptable. So God organized other armies to take it out. The interesting part is that God organized and made it's destruction happen. I think today we think when bad things happen it is all chance. But this passage would suggest God has a plan and when individuals, nations, groups, etc... are wondering away from that plan He wants to get them back to the right path. So really, it is more out of love that He is bringing about trials, because those trials can bring us back to Him, bring us back to humility and dependence. It's not that he hates us and wants us destroyed.

But ... I don't think we can blame all trials on God. I think they are also the consequences of sin and choices, I think they are the result of other people who don't have a care in the world for other people and make choices and do things that affect us.

I think it would be smart to take a long look at any trial we are facing to see where it fits, and if it is a result of God trying to realign us, then we really need to pay attention.

An current example of a trial I am facing is a shortage of support. Where is that trial coming from? Does God want me to continue to grow in faith? Is it falling short because I'm not doing enough work to get it? Am I not being a good steward of it? Is it an issue with the people, have they not come to a biblical understanding of giving? Or are they being disobedient and choosing not to give if God is leading them to? Could it be the result of a bad economy? Right now, I don't know the answer. So I am exploring and testing each area. But ultimately I am remembering that God is my provider. That He has abundantly provided for all of our needs. I am trying to remain in that hope.

Isaiah 12 - Song of Praise

God has come through for me many times. He brought me to salvation and an understanding of who Christ was. He provided for my needs. He provided me a wife and a healthy child. He has provided me with some amazing friends. He is constantly providing for my needs, physical and financial. For the most part my response has been a quiet thank you mixed with some sincere relief and unfortunately some expectation.

Yet here in Isaiah (and all through Psalms) we see a song of praise. I'm not a singer or song writer, so I can do that ... but I think that is ok. The question is: In my heart am I full of praise and thanksgiving? And am I even aware of all I have to be thankful for?

God, help me to grow in thankfulness. Not only towards you but towards others as well. Help me to understand how much you want to take care of me. Give me a heart full of praise. Give me humility so that I don't think anything is because of me. Thank you so much for taking care of me so well these 28 years, better then I've ever even asked. I would not be where I am without you!

An Overwhelming Hope - Isaiah 11

After chapter after chapter of anger and justice, when you feel hopeless, there comes hope. And not just a glimpse of hope but a flood of hope. From the wreckage and chaos a man will rise that will change everything. A man that will bring peace and balance.

The crazy thing is that this was written 700 years before Christ was born. That is a long time to live in waiting. It is no wonder when Christ came people were so excited. Yet, 2000 years ago it appeared that with is death all hope was lost again. I can't imagine putting so much hope in Him only to have Him die. But there was more hope in His death then in His life. For His death is what changed history and our lives eternally. His death is what conquered our hopeless future. Now we have a chance to have a relationship with God, we have the power to conquer sin, we have the hope of eternal life with someone fair and just that loves us as we are.

Now that hope is worth living for!

God's Anger Isaiah 9:8-10:19

God seems pretty angry here. In trying to figure out why, it looks like there are a few humbling reasons:
1) The Israelites speak with pride and arrogance. They believe and act is if they are strong enough on their own, yet they are nothing without God. And, yet, they would not even be the chosen people if it wasn't for God. So it seems to make sense that God is bothered by this. For me this could look like this: "Wow, it is amazing the circumstances I have put myself into in order to get the experience to minister. It is amazing the difference I make in people's lives with all my brilliant questions and my keen understanding of the Bible. And you know, look at all the results I get from my hard work at fund raising ... it is surprising how much I can convince people to support us. Thank goodness God has me on His team." Obviously this is crazy ... it even scares me to write it. But there are times I probably act like those are alot closer to what I believe. What is the opposite: humility and teachability. I am nothing without God. I can do nothing without God. I have nothing without God. I am who God made me to be not who I made me to be. I only understand things because God allows it. It is by God's grace and power that anyone is ever influenced by me.
2) After all God's punishment, they still aren't repentant. That is the reaction of prideful and arrogant people. But am I any different? I try to sugar coat things rather then admit wrong. I try to change myself rather then admit that I can't change or even want to change. Or I take a beating and conclude "I survived that and now am stronger for it." Yet I never grew through it or was humbled, I just endured.

Conclusion. I have some Israelite tendencies, more than I care to admit. I can see that I am growing in humility and teachability, but I still have foundation remaining that tells me real men figure things out and do them on their own, real men are self made. I hope and pray that foundation continues to crumble and be rebuilt on a true sense of where I fall in the grand scheme of things.

Isaiah 8:20-9:7 - The Darkness of Hoplessness and the Hope of Christ

20 Look to God’s instructions and teachings! People who contradict his word are completely in the dark. 21 They will go from one place to another, weary and hungry. And because they are hungry, they will rage and curse their king and their God. They will look up to heaven 22 and down at the earth, but wherever they look, there will be trouble and anguish and dark despair. They will be thrown out into the darkness.

1 ^[a]Nevertheless, that time of darkness and despair will not go on forever. The land of Zebulun and Naphtali will be humbled, but there will be a time in the future when Galilee of the Gentiles, which lies along the road that runs between the Jordan and the sea, will be filled with glory.

2 ^[b] The people who walk in darkness
will see a great light.
For those who live in a land of deep darkness,^[c]
a light will shine.
3 You will enlarge the nation of Israel,
and its people will rejoice.
They will rejoice before you
as people rejoice at the harvest
and like warriors dividing the plunder.
4 For you will break the yoke of their slavery
and lift the heavy burden from their shoulders.
You will break the oppressor’s rod,
just as you did when you destroyed the army of Midian.
5 The boots of the warrior
and the uniforms bloodstained by war
will all be burned.
They will be fuel for the fire.

6 For a child is born to us,
a son is given to us.
The government will rest on his shoulders.
And he will be called:
Wonderful Counselor,^[d] Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
7 His government and its peace
will never end.
He will rule with fairness and justice from the throne of his ancestor David
for all eternity.
The passionate commitment of the Lord of Heaven’s Armies
will make this happen!

There are more times then I care to admit that I look near and far for answers to my current circumstances. What do I usually find? Fear and anxiety. I don't find confidence in my answers. I find big question marks. There really is no peace or hope in the answers I myself find. Isaiah flat out tells me that is what I will find. But then he goes on to share about why I can find hope and where I can find it. He starts by reminding me that my darkness will not go on forever. Which means that no matter how rough things are they are temporary. But even more importantly that there is a place to find hope and light.

A Savior will come that won't only provide the hope, but will also destroy the darkness. He will be a Wonderful Counselor. To me that means he is not in it for the pay or for proving that he is valuable because he can change a life. He is in it to love and accept me, to counsel me, guide me, and join me in the solution to my challenges. He is my Mighty God, which means He is not a wuss. He will face the roots of my challenges head on... and He will win. And He wants to fight for me! He will be my everlasting father. So matter what my age is, no matter how big my challenges are, He is ready and wanting to reach down a draw me into his hand, into His lap and comfort me and protect me. Lastly He is my Prince of Peace. He can and will give me peace and hope. Often times I think if I just pray for the peace pill I will instantly have the fear, anxiety and stress wiped away. But that has only happened once. So I'm not sure how to draw from that peace yet. But I know He offers it and it's the only true lasting peace that will make me feel like I'm going to survive.

The passionate commitment of the Lord of Heaven’s Armies
will make this happen!


Jesus is passionately committed to me!

Passionate:
–adjective

1.	having, compelled by, or ruled by intense emotion or strong feeling; fervid: a passionate advocate of socialism.

Isaiah 7

Isaiah 7 talks a lot about God's wrath. I think I am more comfortable and used to talking about the opposite attribute of God, His love. But the reality is He is both. He definitely deserves our reverent fear. In fact so much so that anything else comes nowhere close to deserving fear. Logically this makes sense, but I struggle with living like I believe it. In the last week I've developed this fear and intimidation about doing what I'm not naturally good at, doing something new, and it's almost paralyzing. But this is living by fear based on things that don't deserve fear. My challenge is to realize God is the only one worthy of fear and then actually fear Him, and as a result I have no reason to fear anything else.

processing

There are a number of differences between introverts and extroverts. One of which is the way they process things. Introverts tend to process internally before they speak. Whereas extroverts tend to process as they talk things out. In general I fall more on the introvert side ... with the exception of processing things that I read. If I don't talk or write about what I read it is almost as if I never read the words.

One of the best ways to draw closer to Christ is reading the words he's given us. In the last week or so I've been reading some in the book of Isaiah. But guess what, I can't remember anything that I've read or what it said to me as I was reading. And that is why I need to blog. It's hard to always talk about what I've read and then within an hour I've forgotten it. So as much as I am able to discipline myself, I hope to write out some of the things I am learning and discovering as I read the Bible and other books.

Today I didn't read anything. However I am being challenged in a tough area. I'm trying to start a high school ministry, yet I have a really hard time going out and meeting new students. Why? The only reason I can think of is fear. Fear of what? I'm not really sure. I've met many new people in my life and have enjoyed getting to know many of those people better. But the idea of going out and purposefully trying to meet people seems scary, which sounds sissyish. God tells us that He doesn't want us to have a spirit of fear and timidity. Coming from the person who has all power and all control, that should be comforting. I should be confident in Him. But it's hard, it's not comfortable. It's the process of being stretched and pruned. I have to be willing to to face the challenge and discomfort, otherwise I'm done growing.