A couple of weeks ago I started reading my Bible again. It's been a long time since I read my Bible faithfully (whatever that means). I'm reading through Luke, he writes like I think.
I wouldn't say I grew up in a legalistic home or attended a legalistic church or received my education from a legalistic college. But somewhere in my life time with God became legalistic. Somewhere I developed the idea that if you are a good Christian you will spend time EVERYDAY in God's Word. And EVERYDAY when you are reading God's Word you will LIKE IT. So I started out strong in high school and college reading, praying, and even memorizing scripture ... and I enjoyed it and benefited it. But then I came to a place where if I didn't read or if I didn't get anything out of what I read I felt like a guilty pile of poo. I felt like what kind of Christian am I if I don't even enjoy spending time with God. Even though I actually was spending time with God, I was experiencing Him in creation, in relationships, in peace. But it was all through osmosis rather then willful intent, which felt like cheating.
Then in my mind I struggled with a dilemma. You should spend time in God's Word because you love Him and want a growing relationship with Him. So if I didn't spend time with Him it seemed to mean I didn't love Him. I didn't buy that but I didn't see any other way around it. Then there was the idea that it doesn't matter if you want to do it or not, you get past your feelings and get your nose in that book. Kind of like vitamins. You may not like them, but they are good for you and you should take them everyday whether you like it or not. But I feel like that whole line of thinking is what started getting me to spend less and less time reading the Bible. I knew I should, but I didn't want to. Then I thought, doesn't God want us to be real to Him as well as ourselves? So shouldn't I just wait it out and see what happens and trust that God will draw me back into His Word in His timing. I didn't know what to do, so I didn't do anything.
So by not making a decision I ended up not reading my Bible anymore. I quit doing what I new I was supposed do do because I knew I was supposed to do it. Even as I thought about it I thought what a hypocrite I am. If you are a Christian you read your Bible. If you are a Christian in a ministry career you read it even more and tell others to read it. Things remained that way for awhile and I actually was open about it with some people. I usually got a mix of responses. "I know how your feeling, thanks for being honest." "That is THE question, keep asking and working through it." "You gotta do something, you will never grow if you are growing through osmosis." "Get past your feelings and do the work." I didn't know where to go with these ... on one hand it was refreshing and freeing to know it was okay, on the other hand it was paralyzing to feel the guilty responsibility on my shoulders. So I just kept not reading.
Now I read my Bible. Not everyday, but a few time a week. And I like it, and I don't feel guilty if I don't. What changed? I dont' know, one day I felt like reading, so I did.
I'm not sure how this would transfer to anyone else. But I know God doesn't think more or less of us based on what we do for Him. We are His beloved children, therefore we are loved as we are. I desire to keep growing closer to Christ, but it's a journey that I can't force or complete by my own efforts.
